Understanding and Coping with Mother's Guilt
As I grew older, I held a strong conviction: I was determined not to copy my mother's parenting style. My goal was to be a more relaxed parent, one who empathised with her children's needs, encouraged their independence, and allowed them to make their own choices. I often viewed my mother's approach as extremely strict and disconnected from the chaotic world of a teenager. However, it wasn't until I became a parent myself, that I began to truly grasp and respect her perspective. Motherhood, I soon realised, would be the most challenging role I would ever undertake.
During my years of study and as I gained more insight into the profound impact of parenting on children's emotional and mental well-being, I started to recognise the perceived 'mistakes' I had made in my relatively short time as a mother. How? Wasn’t I supposed to do better? I had the knowledge, the education, and the experience to not make mistakes, that I believed my mother had when she was raising me. Yet I still struggled to meet my unrealistic expectations of being the 'perfect' mother I had promised myself I would be. The weight of guilt began to bear heavily on me, as I became increasingly concerned about the potential consequences of my actions and started to question my parenting style. These worries weighed so heavily on me that I brought them to my therapy sessions, where I specifically remember asking my therapist, "Have I damaged my children?"
Fortunately, my therapist had created a safe and non-judgmental space where such questions could be explored. This experience led me to understand that this overwhelming sense of guilt is a common theme among mothers seeking therapy. Many find themselves examining their parenting choices, reflecting on the potential impacts on their children, or feeling guilty about dedicating time to their well-being. These emotions often stem from a deep sense of responsibility, childhood experiences and a desire to provide the best for their children.
Hence, it is fundamental to understand that a mother's guilt can have numerous origins, including societal expectations, comparisons to other parents, and personal standards of perfection. Mothers often internalise the belief that they must be perfect caregivers, consistently prioritising their children's needs above their own while avoiding making the mistakes they observed in their parents' upbringing.
Therefore, in therapy, mothers can reflect on and unpack the roots of their guilt. Then collaborate with their therapists to reframe these intensely embedded beliefs, foster self-compassion, and establish more realistic expectations for themselves. This therapeutic journey includes recognising that guilt is a shared emotion among parents, but it does not have to define one's experience. With the right guidance and tools, mothers can acknowledge that perfection is impossible, and humans are bound to make mistakes. They can understand that unrealistic expectations inevitably lead to guilt and learn to prioritise their well-being without compromising their love and care for their children, ultimately achieving a healthier balance in their lives.